WHO IS MY NAME?

Should you know exactly who my name? I have come to understand about the death, life is only a piece measuring distance before the body is lying in the coffin towards eternal rest. Hope for tomorrow cause anyone still hoping, but is there anything still I want? Everything ended up in this room, the room when I had realized, in fact, I'm a person with HIV. Before the birth mother must undergo a blood test to make sure she was free of the deadly disease, swallowing antiretroviral drugs for life, or death aka soon came when the late lunge to take medicine one day.

Clockwise missed a beat when regretfully doctor declared, "I'm sorry, the blood of HIV positive mothers". Then the whole room felt empty, I felt myself as if floating, dry leaves before the wind should then crashed at a place without a map. One thing I saw was a patch of ground tomb for the dead, a very quiet and nobody knows, what really happened under a headstone. Any person wishing a long life, one hopes that will probably fail to be fulfilled unless I can not swallow the medication late, even by a single day, to maintain nutrition and health.

The baby's tiny, sweet, and without sin should not receive breast milk or she will be infected with this deadly disease, I'll lose the precious moment, no chance to see him grow up. We should be referred to the hospital to get ARV parent then continuously drink. One trip is not easy, because we must wait for the ship coming at midnight, jostling insistence with hundreds of passengers, taking about 12 hours voyage, down the gangplank with all pickpockets and thieves wandering around, taking an hour road, then arrived at the hospital destination, I will do everything for the life expectancy of children given birth. If the father is with me, to bear this heavy burden together.

But where is now the father of my child?

Weight realized, in fact, I was a fool with a woman easily persuaded mouth sweet man. "Love" make eyes become blind, I do not know very well the man who always took me both in a quiet place with no witnesses, so everything washed away. I was unable to survive a single day without him, he was as if the sun during the day and the moon at night. I never hear words of the  parents, I do not want "happiness" be deprived of life, I always miss the time together until midnight, always together, staring at the flickering stars, friends with the wind, and moisture that slowly crystallized at the end of the foliage.

Until this last togetherness where? Because my stomach suddenly felt nausea, dizziness, weakness and pale face. I do not know what happened to me, we still meet and meet, to the wishes of the most secretive in every human being. Until my stomach enlarged and continues to grow, as does the state of mothers who give birth prepared. With anxiety and fear, I confess to parents is carrying a fetus is the result of a relationship with a man I loved so much that is poised to be the father of this little baby, to live together forever until death parted.

However, what we can answer when demanding marriage, a man whom I loved wholeheartedly with cowardly deny responsibility. He was not willing to marry me, he just pays a fine after my father and mother reported to the police. I was left in a state of pregnancy and were positive for HIV. Love unrealistic herding destiny of life towards death. Now I know how quickly love turns to hate, I cursed the meeting for the sake of meeting in an amount not they are many. I regret the wrong time, what's the use? Rice has become porridge, useless sobs anything. With tears dripping down I apologized to my father and mother, parents increasingly frail, due to the calamities that befall his favourite child.

Shall you want to know my name?

Women do not have a tendency to be promiscuous, but she is a passive group that can be infected, because of the relationship with her partner, because "love" who blindly. I know where the deadly virus spreads, but what's the point? Now I will potentially spread HIV to others who would have intercourse with me. I have let go of the chance to live happily as a family, how painful lives alone.

When an unknown visitor came in uniforms, I reluctantly revealed the face. Her arrival will not change anything, I still feel all alone with a little innocent baby without a father. Even the walls of hospitalization as if laughing at my ignorance, the tears have dried drips. But, really I alone? In this place there are about 200 people living with HIV from the year 2007, of approximately 112 thousand inhabitants. Days ago a mother suffered the same fate as me. In another ward, female patients suffer the same fate, contracted HIV from men who had left. Who knows how many actual number of women who suffered such a tragic fate?

What actually happens in this life? With the ability to conceive and give birth, a woman often become victims of gender relations that result in death. I should have realized from the outset, I should recognize the bride, an HIV test before the happy day arrives, so terrible things like this would not happen. I should.....

Ups, do you still want to know my name?

* Note on the mother's visits Partus with HIV positive